The Guessing Game

My life is so exciting that I devote time to pondering what kind of people try to figure out the gum flavor they’re chewing.

They’re looking for a solid answer:

Is it watermelon? Watermelon with kiwi? It kinda tastes like there’s green tea in there.

While I’m looking for the abstract:

Why is it important to have the gum you chew be a mystery? Aren’t there enough mysteries?

I know I have too many mysteries in my life to deal with gum. I’m still trying to figure out what happened to the t-shirt Josh gave me last year. It was so soft and it smelled like him so it was supposed to make me sleep better. I lost it the day I got back to Chicago and I haven’t been able to sleep good since.

Will someone solve that mystery? If someone could come over and find my shirt, I’m more than willing to call the Stride company and get to the bottom of this flavor debate. What about a chemist? Couldn’t we send the ingredients to a chemist who could just input the data into a computer and generate the flavor? By law, everything we ingest has to come with the ingredients. This mystery could be solved in a few hours.

But the t-shirt, that’s another question entirely. I was doing laundry and I debated about whether or not to wash my Joshy t-shirt. I remember deciding not to wash it and then I never saw it again. I’ve torn my room apart looking for it and finally decided that the only explanation is ghosts.

I live in an old house. My friend James called it the Rosemary’s Baby house. When I moved in, there was even a gargoyle on the front porch. That’s how scary the place was. We needed a gargoyle to ward off bad spirits.

The gargoyle is gone now.

The gargoyle is gone and so is Josh’s shirt. Could the gargoyle have taken it? Is the gargoyle on some beach sipping a margarita in my boyfriend’s shirt? I knew I should have never trusted a gargoyle to ward off bad spirits. Just look at gargoyles. They’re magnets for bad spirits.

Gargoyle: Hey, bad spirits. Get over here and hang out with me. Don’t go into that house.

But like clockwork, there’s always a bad spirit that befriends the gargoyle.

Bad Spirit: Hey, Gargy. I’m just like you. You seem stressed out. How can I help?

And the gargoyle is moved that someone noticed his strife.

Gargoyle: Wow, thanks for noticing. There’s just so many bad spirits out there that are trying to get into this house and I haven’t had a vacation in years.

Bad Spirit: Hey, hey, it’s okay. You just take a little nap and I’ll watch out for you.

Gargoyle: Wow, thanks. You know what? You’re not a bad spirit. Sorry I ever thought you were.

Bad Spirit: Oh, no worries. I understand. You had to get to know me first. Now go to sleep.

The gargoyle nods off. The Bad Spirit looks around.

Bad Spirit: Come on, boys! He’s sleeping!

And all the bad spirits loot my house for the t-shirt.

Later, when the gargoyle wakes up and sees the damage, he, of course, is worried he’s going to lose his job. And he does. That explains why Gargy is gone.

But how did Gargy get to the point that he’s on a beach sipping a margarita in my boyfriend’s t-shirt?

Well, after getting fired, Gargy’s life spiraled into disarray. The bad spirit, feeling guilty about all the damage he did to Gargy’s life, decided to support him. With no one else to turn to, Gargy had to take the bad spirit’s help. There was no one else in the world that would help him.

And that’s how he got to where he is. He sips margaritas on a beach in a shirt that he wrongfully owns, but at least he’s not so tired and lonely anymore.

So the bad spirit wasn’t as bad as we thought. He felt compassion and remorse.

And the gargoyle wasn’t as good. He compromised his values for love and comfort.

It’s all so obvious to me now.

I’m not a genius. If I could solve that mystery, then you can solve the MegaMystery gum flavor. Get creative, people.

Find someone with an exquisite pallate to do a taste test, make friends with a Stride employee –

Please, just do something!!! You deserve to live in a world where you don’t have to play guessing games with your gum!